IDENTITY

13/11/2024

I want to talk about our ideology of identity. Now, what the flip does that even mean? Sounds like some big words there, huh?

Who we identify ourselves as, how we build our lives around this identity—how we show up with our family, our friends, at work, and in all the spaces we go and be.

As humans, it’s hardwired in us to sometimes bend and stretch that identity just to fit in. We’re social creatures, after all. Back in the day, survival meant being part of the pack, not getting chucked out and left to fend for ourselves.

Looking back at my life, I can laugh (and cringe) at the identity “crises” I had along the way. All those years of trying to fit in… and often just missing the mark.

Even when I thought I’d found people with the same tastes, the same thoughts—there was still that feeling of not quite belonging. And maybe that’s not such a bad thing, but to a 10-year-old who got teased, it sure felt like it.

Take my music tastes, for example—they’re practically a timeline of my identity experiments. I went from New Kids on the Block to Bon Jovi, Rod Stewart (because of my mumma’s obsession) from Fleetwood Mac to Bone Thugs-n-Harmony, 2pac then right back to Led Zeppelin, System and Korn.

Music can tell the story of your life, especially if you can’t always find the words to explain it.

When my folks were downsizing, we dug through old photos and saw how my style and self-image morphed over time. And you know, I’m proud of that girl who marched to her own beat, even when she didn’t quite fit in.

From the sweet girl with freckles, pigtails, and big smiles to the angsty kid in baggy jeans and Dad’s oversized t-shirt, to the emo teen with blackish hair with a cigarette hanging from her fingers under the Christmas tree at 13 (mum still made me do it to get that yearly Xmas photo or no pressies for me).

I wore each phase like a badge, even if it didn’t stick.

There were parts of my identity I kept hidden—things I didn’t show unless people were in that circle of my life- and still parts I hid. As I got older, I started to fear showing certain parts of myself, weighed down by worry over how others might judge me.

Isn’t it funny how that free-spiritedness of childhood fades, replaced by the pressure to conform and be liked?

Sometimes it’s so ingrained, that need to be accepted by others, that it drowns out what our soul actually wants.

So what happens when you hit a crossroads—when a part of who you are, something woven so deeply into your identity, no longer feels right?

And I don’t mean feeling totally off, but when there’s that little voice, somewhere deep inside, nudging you with, “Is this still you?”

Cue the internal battle: Who am I if I’m not that? What if I let go of that part of me—who might I lose? What if it’s no longer lighting me up? It’s almost like you’re facing the death of a part of yourself.

Everything has an end, but is it the end you choose, or just the one that feels easiest?

Just because a part of you doesn’t fit anymore doesn’t make it bad. It’s about asking yourself the tough questions.

Honestly, that’s where I’m at right now. My “bucket” is overflowing—I’m crammed full, with no extra space and no extra time.

My heart’s calling me toward new things, but I’m so packed with the old that I don’t even know if I like half of what’s in there anymore.

And I know why I’ve filled it up this much: to belong, to matter, to mean something outside of myself. But… what if I emptied a few things out? Would that make more room for what lights me up now?

Yeah, it’s scary. But as they say, where there’s fear, there’s something big waiting to be found… right?

So, do you trust yourself enough to dive in and be exactly who you are?

To empty out some of that bucket and see what sparks?

Or do you hold on tight to the status quo, letting that weight get heavier and heavier?

Am I having an identity crisis, or am I waking up to who I really want to be? Maybe it’s both or neither.

Because in the end, I’m still me……. Cute as a freaking button